Feminism

The Kinda Man You Bring Home To Mom…

Pic Borrowed from glamour.com

Published by Ciarra Lambert

August 1, 2011

Thinking about my younger brothers and the many girlfriends that some of them have/ or are yet to have makes me highly critical.  Naturally I want the best for them and unfortunately when thinking about the kind of girl they should date I feel like they should date a women like their mom, sister, etc. But as non-domestic as I think I am, I wonder how that works, and more importantly, what type of guy would they expect for me to date.

     If it were up to my mother I would be with a man smarter than me, more ambitious than I am, more stable than I am, just as considerate as I am, and more importantly, a man that won’t put up with my bull shit or bull shit excuses.

     As independent as I believe myself to be and as non-traditional as I project myself to be, I am pretty sure that I have a different set of standards. Not lower standards just different standards. But unfortunately, my mother has been consistent in saying that I have bad taste in men.

  I beg to differ considering that some men are good for certain periods in your life. Some are never to be taken seriously and others aren’t meant to be taken for granted.

   I’ve dated all types of men, and my mother can find good qualities in anybody and bad qualities in anybody, and for some reason unfortunately I never bring any men over for her to examine because I am too afraid of what she may say about the man before I shape my own opinion. Mothers have this uncanny ability to weed out who they don’t like by putting a little bug in your ear that seems really small at the time, but grows into a dangerous relationship killing tarantula over time.

   So for those women who feel as if they know the answer to this crazy question,  or have one particular trait to include in this discussion,

“WHAT KIND OF MAN DO U BRING HOME TO MOM?”

* This post began as a facebook note and for the sake of my web audience, the following will be comments that I received for this article 🙂

Tyfeni Green Nick!

Monday at 4:03am ·
  • Ciarra TheUnicorn Lambert lol… tyf we all can’t have nick…

    Monday at 4:08am
  • Tyfeni Green Haha i know i was giving my answer haha

    Monday at 4:10am ·
  • Mars DaFifth My thoughts: I think alot of times [women] are needing the type of man that they want, instead of wanting the type of man that they need.

    Monday at 4:50am ·
  •  Cherrie Zheng Never bring him home. It’s jut too much to deal with.
    Monday at 10:10am
  • Shanae Soochka Rudd

    hahah oh tyf! hm.. well its true i dont bring any of them home unless we’re together for awhile and i know how serious we’re trying to be. If he puts you before anything even himself, thats a check point. If he’s open and has nothing to hide thats another check point. and if he treats you like your the fucking Queen bee and im talking ( respects, loves, and is a hard worker just to make u smile ) then he is then introduced to mom. 🙂 my bf is pretty great so far and hes not ASIAN!!!! hahahahha
    Monday at 10:49am ·
  • Morgan Paige Rogers

    it’s very true ciarra, bringing a man home to mama is a big deal. there are plenty of people i told to pick me up at the end of the block because i didn’t feel they were worth getting close to my family. marquise is the first person to meet my folks since i was 17. so as to save space i’ll say he represented himself the way shanae describes above, but on the converse side, i can say i feel the exact same way about him. in most cases shit works out unevenly, but finding someone who feels as deeply for you as you do for them and knows how to express it–mama, daddy, grandmama, auntie–er’body meetin’ him! (and they have)
    Monday at 11:31am
  • Cristal B. Ez I might have to ponder this and get back to you….I was recently called a man-hater but I know its because I will never again take the bullsh!t. Bottom line is deep down, your mom always knows if something is off even if she can’t really put it into words…but your mom is like mine in the type of man she would want for me….

    Monday at 11:33am
  •  Mars DaFifth No disrespect to nobody’s mom’s or nothing but all mom’s don’t know. There’s alot of high school heartbroken and bitter mothers giving terrible advice to their daughters. Grown men subliminally teaching their sons to be hyper promiscuous too..All parental guidance ain’t good. Listen to moms if you wanna… End up right there WITH your moms.
    Monday at 11:55am
  •  Cristal B. Ez well I guess I should have been specific and said my mom and the mothers of alot of my friends…which aren’t women who had kids as teenagers etc.
    Monday at 11:59am
  •  Mars DaFifth You dont have to be pregnant in high-school to have your heart broken.
    Monday at 12:00pm
  • Cristal B. Ez

    heartbreak happens every day….that does not take away the fact that as a mother its your job to make sure your daughter has the knowledge to make good choices in life and especially in relationships…mine did and I still got my heart broke… women’s intuition is not imaginary, that sh!t is real….. on the subject of grown men “subliminally” teaching their sons anything….im sorry but there’s nothing subliminal about it… my parents have been together and married for 29 years..so that is what keeps my hope alive….but men like my father are pretty much extinct
    Monday at 12:06pm
  • Tyfeni Green

    i feel like you will know when the time is right. there is no time limit, or period. if you have that connection and honestly cant trust this man n feel like ur totally on the same page n would like to introduce him to your parents i say go for it. If your parents are judgemental and dont give him a chance after you told them how you feel about this man well thats another story we all know some parents never think anyone is right for their baby even if it was PHARRELL WILLIAMS ( hahaha) but its about connections. & u know if u have a good man bcuz we all dealt with the good the bad n the ugly! 🙂
    Monday at 1:56pm
  • Mars DaFifth Your putting alot on men with that statement. Like it’s only men that leave marriages or that they don’t break their backs to keep them together. I think we should be talking about “people” instead of generalizing gender traits anyway. I’m sure you know just as many trifling women as you do men.

    Monday at 2:02pm ·
  •  Mars DaFifth ‎@Tyf: that makes sense.
    Monday at 2:05pm
  • its hard to please your parents cause they just always simply want better for us. If we brought home trash and no one ever set a standard for us, we might not know what to look for or not know if anyone cares! im an only child…so my mom is very critical of who i bring home and very picky..i think its cause parents just see 5-10 years down the line what something could be like cause they been there. sometimes as young adults we look at the short-term with the long-term and those formulas dont always add up. So If we just borught home to momma every one we dated then then what does that say about our respect of their opinions and for what they mean to us? When Morgan Paige Rogers met my momma it was a done deal because she was already a great girl and it was more of time ust taking its course, when it came ot meeting HER folks I respected her family enough to basically come RIGHT…the key advice i have is.. a man should already be a gentleman and shouldnt have to turn a switch on in front of your folks that should never be OFF in the first -place..and he wont try to get ya drawls… *read morgan’s blog* 🙂
    Monday at 2:27pm
  • Ciarra TheUnicorn Lambert already read…. 🙂
    Monday at 3:20pm
  •  Shaina Robinson my mom usually has to drive them home, so unfortunately meets them all right away lmao
    Monday at 3:58pm ·

The Shameful Morning Exit!!!

By Ciarra Lambert

Published July 25, 2011

pic from 123rf.com

Leaving his house this morning, all my insecurities crept in.  Oh my God, I overslept, and my invisible exit is virtually impossible. I hear men laughing and taunting each other playing video games in the living room.  Does everybody know I’m here?  Were they all here last night?  Did they hear my conversations and or lack there of conversations last night? Maybe I should wait until they go, or until they are so distracted they don’t recognize my exit. This all seems so silly!

It was all so good last night; peaceful even. Late night conversations about film classics and religion; a perfect unwinding ending to a racy day. Being as though it is now 4am, I don’t plan on leaving, and most importantly, due to the crowded space and heavy sleepers on the couch, my sleeping arrangements are limited. His room is perfectly air conditioned, and the aura is fairly positive. Art fills the room, which is surprising considering the uprising numbers of men with rooms that look like a 10 year old play center. It’s quite cozy with no sexual cliche inferences making their way towards my senses. No sexual music, no candles, no dim lights; perfectly platonic, right?  Well that part is debatable! My visit and eventually over night stay was not planned, but from the outside looking in, it definitely doesn’t look that way.

We all know how it is when roommates/housemates make visiting encounters awkward. Visiting someone during “booty call hours” are always questionable, but in a time where a younger generation ends most of their days at 2am (in Philly, later in New York), it seems that proficient booty call hours are subjective. This confusion leads to even more awkward situations in the process.

For example, a friend of mine that all of my girlfriends find to be asexual, metrosexual, and the like always invited us over for sleep overs. We all slept in the living room and fell asleep watching various movies/shows. These encounters have occurred over a series of months. However, the very few times that any of my friends have come over by themselves, this asexual man has proceeded to make awkward propositions to all of them at any given time. Whether it’s a simple, get into bed with me or can I have a kiss. When this man is told no, he then proceeds to tell us that it is our fault because we gave him hints or turned him on.

I know what you are thinking!  “How can you girls be so naive? What makes the man asexual/metrosexual?”.  Well, for one, they never pursue women, they love shopping with us, they recommend we date other people, they call for decorating advice, they cry in front of us, and they don’t really have any male friends.

Then there are men that I am strictly platonic friends with that are genuinely that wonderful; men who go on over-night trips with us to New York , and others who go out with us for drinks on a regular basis and stay up having meaningful conversation.

With this all being said, what is the protocol for bootycall/non bootycall situations?  What are the hours. How can you make that morning exit less shameful? Or is there no protocol or no way to fix it? Let me know what you think!

Issues Facing Black Women my Age (Just my opinion)

Phenomenal Woman

Margaret Warfield Painting

by Ciarra TheUnicorn Lambert on Tuesday, May 12, 2009 at 11:44pm

Issues Facing Black Women my Age (Just my opinion)

P.S. many of these issues I’ve come up with in conversation with many of you. Tell me what you think!

Subconscious Haunted Pasts:
Young Black Women can’t help but feel anger towards their black significant other. We’ve been repeatedly left alone. Beginning with slavery and the selling of all the black fathers/husbands to modern day deadbeat fathers, jailbait brothers/cousins/uncles. So when our current boyfriends or significant others show the slightest resemblance in action to the broken men mentioned above, WE RIGHTFULLY GO OFF AND OVERBOARD. We live in constant fear of them ending up in any of those positions. Unfortunately for our men, they don’t get it or don’t understand. They have become accustomed to this frequent black woman’s rage and either despise it or ignore it after a while, and in the end we end up feeling powerless. What’s so bad about it is that we have had to accept this. Many of us have already convinced ourselves that we’ll never get married or end up alone. White women usually enter relationships with the opposite sex, with no previous pasts. Some would argue that this why they seem more understanding.
Conflicting Judgment by Older Black Women: 
So because we’ve always seemed to be the minority group, whenever we go out, we have to “represent” our sistas. This is the worst burden ever considering we don’t know what to represent!

1. So regarding attire, if I wear provocative clothing, then I am subjecting myself to being a man’s “eye candy”. If I dress conservatively, then I am going along with the male’s idea, that women aren’t allowed to be sexually expressive and we must stay pure holy housewives. Question: Do older women feel that Beyonce “represents “ us well? She is the daughter of a preacher, and she moves from provocative to conservative on a consistent basis? In fact, most of us do! Or is it OK because she’s Beyonce and that’s TV. TV is the ultimate representation. Let us not forget that Josephine Baker performed nude. Is she a traitor, is she a hoe, or is she comfortable with herself and her body?

2. Regarding thought, Should a black women “know her place and be supportive of her black man”, or should she “overcome obstacles and prove that women are equally as powerful as men? Are we better leaders or supporters? The bible states that men were biologically made the head of the family and that women were made to be nurturers; yet slavery, history, and single mothers show that our women have been heading the household for years. So as products of this reality, how could we convince ourselves to “know our place”?
The constant search and need to attach ourselves to a particular identity: 
Black Female Living Role Models are basically extinct! If you ask most black women who their role models are, they would answer their mothers or grandmothers (with the exception of a few that want to be entertainers). PLEASE UNDERSTAND THIS IS NOT A DIS! My role model, on a mental level is my mother as well; however career wise, she is not. Unfortunately, my mother, like many others, never had the opportunities I have to receive higher education, and those that do have higher education are often stuck in a position where they are over-qualified due to issues regarding their race and sex. So we barely see our sistas at the top! So many of us have accepted this as a reality and surround ourselves with safety jobs. Meaning jobs that we’ve seen previous black women successful at such as teachers, nurses, writers and a few lawyers. No scientists, mathematicians, foreign affairs specialists, or government officials. It’s almost an unbelievably coincidental that these are the fields that will be valued in the future and we’re not part of it. Most of my role models, career-wise, were fictional characters like Maxine (lawyer on Living Single), Kahdijah (magazine Editor on Living Single, Joan (lawyer on Girlfriends), Claire Huxtable (lawyer Cosby show), Dee (Educator, Moesha), Terry (lawyer, Soulfood), and the following hairdressers, Justice from Poetic Justice, Bird from Soul Food. Still NO scientists, mathematicians, foreign affair specialists, or government officials!

The acceptance of the stigma that Black Women can’t get along: 
We fight with our family members, church members, sorror sisters, neighbors, and best friends. Constantly accusing each other of downing each other and judging each other. We accuse each other of the same actions towards each other at the same time on a daily basis. It seems that apparently it’s socially accepted and normal for us to plan to steal each others men, talk about each other behind each others backs, step on each other in the workplace because we know it’s little room for both of us to succeed because APPARENTLY, we are all jealous of each other. THIS IS RIDICULOUS! We shouldn’t accept this from each other. Instead of accusing and seeking retaliation, we should inform and educate. I ha

ve been a violator of the above as well, and I am going to make a constant effort to change that. The next black women I feel that does any of the above actions to me, I will pull her aside and say “Ma sista, why? and hopefully that explanation is justifiable., otherwise, I don’t have an answer. It just seems that we never, pull each other to the side anymore because we believe and accept this stigma and stereotype that black women are jealous backstabbers. Are we satisfied with that?

Please comment and check out http://www.whataboutourdaughters.com/2007/12/the-top-five-issues-facing-african-american-w

Real talk from a real woman:
by Ciarra TheUnicorn Lambert on Friday, March 6, 2009 at 2:15pm
Opening discourse on female sexual relations

As my boyfriend questioned me about how many sexual partners I’ve had in my lifetime, as a woman, I was unsure on how to answer that question. It was then that I realized how society traps women. I’ve heard a saying that goes when a woman says how many partners she has, you have to multiply it by 3 and that is the real number. I also have many girlfriends, and older family members who say it’s a general rule for all women to lie about the actual amount of sex partners they have. So as I hesitate to answer that question, I began to ask myself what actually counts; only sexual intercourse, oral sex, touching, does rape count? I’ve found that 1 out of 4 girls are raped before they reach age 18. Do you even talk to a boyfriend about these scenarios? So I went to Google and typed in average amount of sexual partners for a female. I ran across a discussion about a female age 26 who has had 30 partners. There are over 300 anonymous answers to the question, and as I have read the posts, most of them (meaning 78% of these answers from women between age 18-30) had between 10 and 30 sexual partners depending on how early or how late you start.

Then I looked at a professional survey that was taken by a news station that reported the average was (4 in their lifetime for women) and (8 in their lifetime for men) based on interviews with 200 women. If they based it on interviews (not anonymous) of course they lie. I thought to myself, this can’t be right! If you take into consideration that many women lose virginity between age 14 and 18, so you add an average of at least two mess-ups in high school (and don’t lie because a lot of women don’t meet prince charming in high school or stay virgins). So by 19, you figure you already have two, plus the rape factor for some (1 in every 4 girls) so that would make the number 2.25. Then you enter college, drunken nights, relationships (most don’t work), and all those 3 month relationships that occur in between, that would add about at least another two, which would equal 4.25. Then you graduate and you get a stable job, men trying to take you out, and if you are a single girl and still young, there are more mess-ups with oral sex, and touching in between. So this is not right at all. Besides, men specifically my generation (80’s babies) claims to have sex with 20 women +, so all these men can’t be having sex with the same damn women. That would make the ratio for women a huge gap meaning that most women have 4 partners, and then the rest have an average of 500. These numbers are ridiculous.

So what actually makes women lie? I think it starts form a young age. Let’s say at age 12 (when you get your period), your mom has a sex talk with you and end the conversation with “Boys and their hormones will try to have sex with you, but you should be a virgin until you are married”. It is at that moment that you notice it’s a woman’s job to say no. It’s like, do parents tell their sons to stay a virgin until they’re married. And even if so, are they held accountable if they don’t do it. So that’s where the stigma begins. If someone argues that boys’ hormones are crazier than girls, I would cold-heartedly disagree. Don’t girls develop faster than boys? So shouldn’t girls have just as many hormones, if not more than boys, at a young age.

And pardon me for using low numbers to explain my argument. Here’s a more likely story for a city girl named Tonya.
So Tonya (11 th grade female) loses her virginity to a loser name Brian at age 16. She loved him, but it didn’t work out. So 3 months later, she started dating Thomas. She dated him for a year, and so at age 17, she has had 2 partners so far. Then that doesn’t work out. Then some college guy from around her way is interested in her so she dates him for about two months and after numerous dates and time, they have sex. That’s number 3! So then he stops calling her, he’s scared of a committed relationship. So she graduates and at age 18, she’s single, had 3 partners and she’s about to go to college in the Fall. That summer, she decides to go on vacation with her friends before they head off to college. She meets a sexy smart guy on the beach. They date for the first two weeks and decide they want to talk even after she goes back home. So after a month, he visits her and they have sex. That’s 4 men before she goes to college. Then she talks to 3 guys a year in college plus two drunken one night stands and got oral sex about 5 times. That’s a total of 20 guys by the time she graduates at age 22.

And I know a lot of women sitting at 9 not trying to reach those double digits!

So I just wanted to open up the discussion. You may or may not agree, but this is the reality that I am living in. I’m not claiming to know what the average is or who or what is considered a hoe. I just want feedback on why women lie?

A. Are they scared what their men would think?

B. Are they scared of being judged?

C. Is it just a routine that women have been taught to lie?

D. Is it that most men can’t handle the truth?

E. Or am I just living in my own world, and the average amount of sex partners in a girls LIFETIME is 4, like CBS reports?

Oh, and P.S. I definitely told my boyfriend the real number, and we are both cool with that. I’m Happy!

But please respond with comments. You could even put in letters A-E for what you think the problem may be. And tag other women too. I really want a discussion.

Thanks guys…. Love you all!

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